Tuesday, October 28, 2008

It's Just a Sign

Random crumbs, a few dead bugs (or lint, hard to tell), a rogue Cheerio (or ten) filled the dustpan. I sighed.

Let the cleaning begin.

I bent on my knees and scrubbed the floor. Still in my pajamas at 3:00 in the afternoon, I rearranged the cabinets in the kitchen (I resisted the urge to alphabetize my cans).

I arranged every one of J's outfits in his closet. I organized them by size and type. And then by color (I know some of you completely understand this obsessive need. If so, then I feel for you.).

I reluctantly packed away his summer clothes and the ones his tiny frame had finally outgrown. No tears will fall . . . no tears will fall. OK. Maybe one tear.

I emptied out our junk room (in the basement) and turned it into yet another playroom for J (along with the kitchen, bathroom, our room . . . ). I got caught a few times, paging through an old yearbook, a journal with doodles and misplaced memories. The hours limped by as I took out box after box, readying them for the trash. Often, I would stand before a box, staring. Wondering if I was ready to let go. (Yes, I kept my R&B CDs, my McDonald's Happy Meal toy collection and my MJ memorabilia).

In the office (the embodiment of my constant battle with OCD and procrastination), I hid a bunch of stuff I had no idea what to do with in a shoe boxes and then stuffed them under my bed. I'll deal with it later. Or not. Maybe I'll just decorate the boxes and call them cute storage containers. That's an idea . . .

My body is growing weary from scrubbing, sorting, lifting (and hiding). J wants to play. I want to play. No park today. I look outside to see the wind whip up the leaves. I hear them brush against the house, swirling around and bidding farewell.

And then I see it.

The words mock me. My indecision. My fear.

FOR SALE

I look down at J, pushing his car around on the hardwood.

The hardwood. Each groove and scuff a plea to not forget.

Where he first crawled.

Where he took his first steps.


And so it begins . . .

* * * *
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41 comments:

CC said...

Woah! You are one brave mama!! Good luck!

lizzy-loo said...

moving can be traumatic, take it from a woman who has moved 8 times in almost 12 years. you take those memories with you though wherever you go. home for me is not a house or structure it is wherever my family is. family is home. you'll see, you will make amazing new memories at your next home.

Lori said...

just think of all the wonderful memories you will create in your new place

Angie @ KEEP BELIEVING said...

Change is good for all of us. It makes us adaptable to circumstances around us. It helps us grow. It develops character. Don't doubt yourself. Move forward, but hold on to memories.

KEEP BELIEVING

Tara R. said...

It broke my heart to move from our first family home. But, now where we live is the only home my kids remember, that's the one that is special to them, so it's special to me. Moving from here will be traumatic.

womaninawindow said...

Ugh, ripping my heart out. And I think, "I couldn't do this. I couldn't leave." And then I remember with surprise that we did leave. That we packed it all up and gave half of it away and moved three times since and we are OK. We are remade. We've our fingers deep into the floorboards here. We've rebuilt here and laid our sloppy footprints, and now - again, could never do it. Could never leave.

We're more capable than we think.

Jonny's Mommy said...

I haven't yet had to move since JG was born, but even moving from our small apartment was hard and held a lot of memories. Nothing like what you are going through I'm sure.

Tiaras and Tantrums said...

HA - your J's closet - so like my kids!! I'm a nut!

Flea said...

Wow. You can do it. Let yourself cry and cry well as you go through this. It's okay. It's good.

crazymumma said...

You need to pull out a camera, a video camera perhpas and document these spots. Then, write about them and make an album. Not a scrapbook necessarily. But something lush and luxuriious bound in thick paper encrusted with small toys. And when it falls open a photo of hardwood, a handprint on a wall.

Then it will always be with you. That first home.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

From a total non-mover--I admire your bravery.

Stacie said...

ah, this is the kind of organizing I need to do at my house...and now that the weather is changing and things in my life are changing, it is time. Out with the old. :D

Good luck, you will make new memories at your new location too...and you will have the most important items with you...your family!

Tracey said...

So, you ARE moving?? Good luck on everything! The purging is the hardest but most necessary part. The less crap you have, the less to keep organized and the less to move.

Kat said...

Wow! Great post! I know how you feel.

I am both excited and sad for you. Hope the process is quick and painless. ;)

Lisa said...

hard stuff, this I know. I moved out of our first house with Goosey when she was 5 weeks, and Lulu when she was 12. One of the things I'm most looking forward to with this third pregnancy is staying put and being where all of the memories are made with this little one. This may sound silly, but before your house looks too "not like home" take a video of it, and tell about all of J's favorite spots. And just think of all the wonderful memories that will come at your new home!

PS - where are you going?

MommyTime said...

Oh, I'm sorry that you sound so sad about this. I know how hard moving can be. I cried standing in the middle of our first (empty) house on the day we moved out. I hope that you are moving into something better, or into a good good place for your family. Hugs.

Immoral Matriarch said...

Ahh man, Good luck!!

RJTrue said...

WHAT??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Lori said...

Change is hard...
And yes, I totally understand the obsessive tendancies - unfortunately! :-)

Threeboys1mommy said...

The clothes they've outgrown is the worst for me! The worst! Tear. To think, all that money spent on clothes they only wore once, could of been spent on some shoes or mommy kills me. ;)

Casey said...

Oh that's such an unsettling feeling to be selling your house. You'll get through it though and wherever you end up, you'll make more memories.

http://anglophilefootballfanatic.com said...

Now that you're ready, can you do the OCD thing on MY house, darling? Hee hee. Like I told you, change, although hard, is often a good decision. And, I know you will be glad to not live in limbo any longer.

Momisodes said...

Moving can be so bittersweet. Especially once you have a child. I'm on my 12th address in 6 years, but the one where we left the house we started as a family was the hardest.

Hold onto those memories as tight as you can. You CAN do this :) Wishing you a quick and painless move.

Burgh Baby said...

I am itching to move SO FREAKIN BAD, but I know I'll feel the same way once it happens. Good luck with the packing, ma'am, and keep your sanity with you as best you can!

LifeBehindTheCoach.com said...

my parents came back from a 2 week holiday to spain with no luggage...it turned out, they'd rented an apartment and were leaving again in 3 weeks. my brother and i had no idea and were devestated. We had to empty our family home in 3 weeks. awful awful awful. They did live there very happily for a year and then moved back to england. But i remember standing in the empty house with my brother, we hugged each other tight in the kitchen and tears fell from the face, it was never going to be the same again and it wasn't. Times move on though, they enjoyed spain so much and dad died shortly afterwards having lived his dream of living abroad.

justmylife said...

I hate moving! Just think of the new memories you will be making. But once you have moved and if you still feel the need to clean, you will be welcome to clean at my house. heh!!

Kellan said...

This was beautifully written and filled with emotion and packed with memories - you will treasure this post - as will J - cherish it!

Take care - Kellan

ConverseMomma said...

This post was lovely and sad. I tell myself it will be easy when we start our own process to move, but our home has our handprint, and that is a difficult thing to shake off. Easier when you find your dream home, right?

Elaine A. said...

I am responding more to the title of your post and saying, "no, it's really not, is it?"

I love your writing.

Eve Grey said...

Getting rid of clothes and toys my children have outgrown is one of the very hardest things for me emotionally. I can seriously hardly stand it!

OHmommy said...

Yes, I have to agree.... think about all the new memories you will make girlfriend.

Good times. I promise.

Lindsey said...

You never disappoint. I love your blog and I've missed you. I know about leaving the place where your child(ren) have "made" their little mark. It's a cryfest, or it was for me. If you need a shoulder, I'm here:)

Nap Warden said...

Moving is no fun...That being said, I firmly believe change is good!

LceeL said...

I remember all the places I have lived - each of them like a chapter in a book - each of them with special memories of people and events that shaped my life - some sad - some happy - any one of those places would suit me as a place to be now - if I could go back I would - as long as my youth came back with the move back to a long ago place. Yes. I would go back.

bessie.viola said...

Hugs. I know how you're feeling in a way... I cried when my husband and I left our first home together. We didn't have children there, but we started our life there... spent our wedding night there.

Good luck as you move forward. Take lots of pictures.

Allison Says said...

:( Good luck with everything. I know moving can be immensely emotionally draining. You are brave for taking those steps...hopefully it will all be worth it in the end.

Completely unrelated: I have given you to blog awards :)

Kami said...

It will all work out, it always does but that doesn't mean you aren't entitled to wonder and worry.

Good luck my friend! And I, for one, can't wait to hear of your new adventures in a new location. They will be fantastic.

Mighty Morphin' Mama said...

Gorgeous writing. Deep breath, it will be just fine:)

Hyphen Mama said...

Take tons of photos of the house before you leave, even if you don't think you need to right now. Even for J when he's older.

I wish, wish, WISH a million times that I had more photos of the house I lived in from 0-6 years. And the one I grew up in until I graduated from high school.

And about the shoe boxes... YES, I have dozens of shoe boxes I've wrapped in pretty wrapping paper and call them "storage" and it makes the OCD part of keeping things in them seem less OCD.

Anonymous said...

Junk room! I so have one of those. Two of those.

Maybe more.

Great post.

Kimmylyn said...

I am bawling.. I cannot imagine having to pack up the memories..but as others have said you will make new memories at the new home and carry these with you forever..

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