I love being a mom. I love my baby boy. I love his cuddle, his coos, his laugh. I love changing his diaper (strange, but true). I love nursing him and watching his eyes flutter as he goes to sleep. Love, love, love. I am not a mushy gushy sort of person, so this says a lot for me. However, I am human. I hate feeling isolated.
I am isolated. We don't live near family and our friends all work. I keep saying we . . . it really is me, though. I used to live in a big city where you could find people like you by the dozens. I now live in a rural area where the average age of the girls at the OB's office was something like 17. Most of the people "like me" are back at work. Their child is snuggled next to grandma or a sweet elderly aunt. Mine is with me. I wouldn't change it for the world, but it does leave me with recent feelings of extreme isolation. I knew I was having serious issues when I began striking up conversations with our exterminator. And, just the other day I tried to hold a discussion with a telemarketer. I did have a lovely conversation with the lady at the chimney sweep office. Ugh!!! I think this is why I've taken to the computer and have several late nights. I told my husband I am suffering from insomnia--but that isn't it. I'm not sure he'd understand.
I guess I should feel comforted by the fact that millions of women, new moms especially, go through this. J and I will continue to have our lengthy conversations about how I want to improve the house, how I wish to write a novel or at least start a freelancing career (he's great to bounce ideas off of--he likes all of them!). I talk to him about everything. I guess the positive in all this is that J will be a very verbal child. I hope so, I need someone to talk to . . .
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Isolation
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5 comments:
Okay. This is the HARDEST part of mothering. You LOVE LOVE LOVE your child. You are serving another...but you are alone. This is VERY VERY COMMON! Please do the following for yourself to help with the adjustment to motherhood and ensure this does not drag you down in your mothering...
1) Every day...get dressed, even shower. Put on makeup if you used to. The baby won't mind if you look nice.
2) Every day...put on music, it fills the soul and can lighten the silence that can overwhelm.
3) Write a letter --not an email, not a phone call, write a letter --or a journal, where there is physical weight to your act--it will rejuvenate some friendships and family connections in ways you cannot imagine.
4) Pray. It matters.
5) Exercise. You can't be a good steward of others if you aren't a good steward of you. --Yoga, a gym, anything.
6) If you sew, play the piano, write, paint, etc. Make sure you get to just a bit of it.
7) Limit domestic chores to one hour.
8) Find other moms. They are out there. They homeschool. They are at home hoping to find others. Take your baby to the park if the weather is nice for some fresh air for both of you. Take your baby to the mall if it is not. I was so desperate with my first baby, I made friends with the dry cleaner lady, the woman at the photo store and the receptionist at our apartment complex. You need company, you need community.
9) Last, and this is MOST important. Tell your husband. He may not understand, but he loves you and your relationship with you affects how you relate to everyone else, including the baby. Find a babysitter for once a month and have a date night. Plan it. Have it and rediscover your husband and yourself in the process.
Good luck and best wishes from a seasoned professional mom of eight --I have been there, even with seven and eight children, you can feel lonely if you let yourself.
Wow! Kudos to you, Sherrytex, for mothering 8! I love the mom "To Do" list! I needed it. Husband and I just had "the talk" and after telling me what a great job I'm doing, he ran me some bath water.
I have really felt invigorated just reading posts from other moms. The hard thing is sifting through the vast number of groups/communities to find one that fits. No worries. . . I'll figure it out.
Oh how I remember feeling exactly the way you do. Nobody ever really tells you how you can feel such isolation as a mom. I agree with most of what sherrytex suggested. I think #8 especially. The parent/child classes at the Y helped me a lot. It gave me a scheduled time to get out of the house with Zoe. Zoe enjoyed the other children... and I enjoyed some adult conversation. I really agree with you about how great it can be to read blog posts. I feel like I have created some real friendships online. I can always seem to find someone else out there that is going through what I'm going through.
#6 and #9 rang the most true to me from sherrytex's list.
I've been doing this SAHM thing for 10 years, and the loss I've felt the most in all that time is the loss of my creative projects. I have felt isolated, but that is more because of how often we've moved and left new friends behind.
As for #9, I just think open communications are so important in a marriage. If he doesn't know what's going on in my head, I'm not being honest with him. Besides which, he's my best friend.
At four months old, I think now is the time for you to get out and start buildng those mommy friendships. Baby is small enough to go along with whatever you want to do! ;) Once they start walking, you have to chase them and chatting with friends becomes harder. Best of luck!
Reading my post almost makes me feel, sad . . . The good news is I am really pretty happy, almost giddy at times. It is just those periods of isolation that bite me once in awhile. It is so comforting to hear other women survive it. Most of all, that there are remedies!
I love hearing the comments and advice from other moms. THANKS so much. I have been doing ALL of them--the toughest is finding other moms in my area, but I'll keep trying! Thankfully, for now, the blogging (reading and writing) is a great connector!
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