Tuesday, September 16, 2008

The Post About How Good I Look in a Swimsuit

I have successfully avoided having to wear a swimsuit all summer. I figured that after giving birth to J I'd have plenty of time to indulge my post-pregnancy body with a few fat stores.

Outside of the bewb area, my body returned to its pre-pregnancy weight and general shape in a few (read: several) months.

I was looking pretty decent . . . in clothes. I eyed the drawer with my pre-pregnancy swimsuites with dread. For I knew the truth. Things had shifted. Things had softened. Things had become . . . jiggly (and not the good Girl's Gone W*ld jiggly either).

But, I didn't have to wear a suit. There was no swimming this summer.

Until last week.

I pulled out all my swim suits in anticipation for J's first swim class.

No. Never. Gonna. Happen. I sucked in and held my breath. I contorted my body in very unnatural ways just to TRY to look decent in the suit. Nope. The dream was dead . . .

I even tried on the maternity suit. Nope. Totally cute on a pregnant chick, but sad and pathetic on a not pregnant chick.

We went on a mission. To the mall! Mr. Husband, J, and me.

Have you ever been to the mall when it is POST swimsuit season and all that is left are the remnants? Mixmatched tops and bottoms along with one-piece (nightmare patterned) suits were relegated to the back "clearance" corners of nearly every store.

Mr. Husband tried to help.

He pulled out stuff like this top . . .

and this bottom . . .

You know, God bless him for thinking I could actually wear stuff like this . . . ever. But, um, his fashion sense is well, horrible. And, given the slim pickings, it was getting rough.

This kept up for hours. HOURS. But how do you tell the hubs that while you are grateful for his help, he just isn't helping? You send him to go get a pretzel. Avoidance rocks.

I finally did find something. At the last minute.

Standard suit w/ a duo use as a tarp. 99% off. Great deal. It fit. All the jiggly stuff was strapped down. The chubby stuff that leaked out the sides would most definitely not be an issue. I was going to be surrounded by other moms! Who cares, right?

I was good to go.

The first class was great. J and I were the ONLY ones for the infant swim class. But I wasn't worried. I was amongst 70 and 80 year-old women (who stayed behind after finishing their arthritis swim) and one fifteen-year-old female lifeguard. No one cared what I looked like. They all zeroed in on J and I was just his shadow.

But the sweet little lifeguard informed me that she'd be heading back to school and a new guard would be taking over the lessons. What?

The old ladies all chimed in and described him. "Oh, he's so cute!" "He'll give you and J the best one-on-one attention!" Huh? What? "He's tall and got that long hair . . . oooh, Agnes, isn't he dreamy?" OK, I added the last part, but you get the drift.

Panic set in. You know, in ANY other setting (and I do mean ANY), I am completely cool with my appearance. I'm fully aware I'm no Giselle. I'm OK with that. But something happens to me the minute I know I'll be EXPOSED. Suddenly I am transported back to my early teen years. My girlfriends gobbing on oil as they arched their backs to show off their teeny bikinis. Me in a one-piece with an extra large t-shirt on. Hot guys paraded past us, ogling my hot friends. I was invisible to them and I was perfectly happy with that. I had HUGE thighs of which I was horribly self-conscious. I was a runner. A sprinter. I had lots of muscle. Big muscle. But big muscle was not in. I was not in. And again, wrapped up in my extra large Def Leopard t-shirt made the lack of attention perfectly OK with me.

What would have happened had one of the hot beach dudes talked to me, you ask? I would have dug a whole in the sand and climbed in. Even my invisiblity cloak (Def Leopard t-shirt) would not have been able to save me. Something about ME + swimsuit simply does not go well with me interacting like a normal human being with cute members of the opposit sex. A sad reality.

But I was about to be exposed. And not in a situation where I could just mix in with throngs of swimsuit-wearing ladies.

I prayed that other mothers/babies would join the group before the next class. I hoped that the fifteen-year-old lifeguard would realize that school was overrated and get back to lifeguarding. I wished that there was a magic pill to give me the confidence I needed to face my demons (AKA cute lifeguard).

Today was the day that me, in my "mom" swimsuit would face her demon. I held my head up high as J and I entered the pool area. I was ready. I could do this.

The ladies greeted J with a cacophony of hellos.

It was just J and me . . . again. No other babies. No other mommies. My eyes darted to the lifeguard stand. No one was there.

I quickly unwrapped my towel and J and I headed into the pool.

As J splashes in the water I hear a deep male voice behind me. I start sweating. OK, maybe not sweating, I mean, I'm in a pool. But seriously, the panic starts to set in. I slowly turn around and find

not this
but this

Garth jumped in the pool. J giggled. Garth blew bubbles. J giggled.

Mama sighed.

And all was right with the world.

* * *

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52 comments:

Immoral Matriarch said...

OH wow. Swimsuits. Wow. Nooo. LOL

Love the husband's attempts to assist.

April said...

This was SO well written! Thanks for the good laugh.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

Oh, what a painful experience.
But, Garth? Bahaha!

Lori said...

this was such a visual story... thank you for the laugh

I don't even want to think about bathing suits... I hated bathing suits before kids, but after 2 yeah no thank you

Jennifer said...

LOL that is good. I'm glad it all ended with it being a "garth" rather than a total HOTTIE. ;)

I haven't worn a bathing suit in 7 yrs and my children are only going to be 5 and 3. I just don't feel comfortable in them either... and before I had my son, I only weighed 115-120 at 5' 4" so there was really no reason that I shouldn't have worn one... some times I wish I could go back and slap the old me in the face and tell her to wake up... get with the program and put on a damn bathing suit... what I wouldn't give for that body now. ugh.

you are right even if you loose weight after having your baby... things aren't in the same place they were before hand. lol my bewbs are SHOT, but I wouldn't have changed breastfeeding my kids for a good rack now... all is good with that.... the belly... well that will never be the same after twin pregnancy... but still well worth it... I try to just go with the flow... I'm the mom that wears a tank top and shorts to the pool.... yeah. that is me. sad I know.

i'm sure you look GREAT in a bathing suit... just like you did w/ your friends at the beach... no need to cover up. :)

xoxoxoxo

Karen said...

The thought of Garth in the pool is kinda funny and kinda icky, but at least you were saved from The Lifeguard.

I hear you on the me+bathingsuit thing. I've never felt comfortable in one either. In fact, I give you huge props for attending the swim class even.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

We used to have a lifeguard at our swim club that looked like Brad Pitt. He gave up a baseball scholarship out of state because he didn't want to be that far away from his mom. He became a kindergarten teacher and married his college girlfriend who was rather plain.

He taught Danger Boy how to swim and jump off the high dive when DB was two. We both loved him.

And I always wore my sarong.

Tracey said...

Swimsuits should go back to the full-on body suits with skirts. Or we should just start wearing swim trunks and body suits. I'm all for THAT.

Are You Serious! said...

♥ That's funny! You crack me up! I haven't worn a bathing suit in YEARS!!! :)

A Buns Life said...

So funny and what a relief for you! :) Just so you know....my male masseuse was totally the first lifeguard. See why I had such a hard time? hee hee!

the mama bird diaries said...

i really miss how i used to look in a bikini.

funny post.

Pregnantly Plump said...

No Schaa-wing! huh? I agree, I would be more comfortable in a swimsuit in front of Garth, too. That's so funny that the little old ladies think he's a hottie.

Lisa said...

Swimsuits are evil. And with each pregnancy your body continues to change...and get a little more "fluffy". I love that the lifeguard was a Garth though...and I love that your Hubby picked out an eency weency teeny weeny bikini for you!

Kathryn said...

HAHAHAHA!!!!!
That is too funny. What a relief!

I am back to my prepregnancy weight but I definitely don't look the same. Things just, um, hang differently than they used to. It's not right, man.
*sniff, sniff*

Blessings From Above said...

That is awesome!

Now "Garth" probably went home intimidated by the you, the HOT mommy! :)

MamaGeek said...

Girl, you are my new HERO.

Garth in the pool? YOU CRACK ME! I loved this story, you have such a way with words Laski!

Allison Says said...

Hahaha! That is hilarious. Great story.

Glad you found a swimsuit, even though it took hours. I haven't touched one since before I got preggo. I would have been mistaken for a beached whale last summer. Actually, this summer too.

Kori said...

And who says there is no god? That is evidence to me.

Mighty Morphin' Mama said...

Thank freakin' goodness!
The suspense was killing me. I am sure you look gorgeous, swimsuit is not something I can even imagine right now, yikes.

Thanks for the congrats, baby and I are doing great.

Lori said...

THanks for the laugh! :-)

I HATE, HATE swimsuit season and I don't even have the excuse of having a child!!

Mamasphere said...

I had a hunch when the old ladies started crooning that you didn't have anything to worry about!

Kami said...

Oh thank heavens, I was sweating for you! I feel the same way about the opposite sex, especially when in a swimsuit.

Thank goodness for Garth! Party on, Wayne's World, Excellent!

(I will be chanting that for the rest of the night too :-))

Kimmylyn said...

Oh my goodness.. this was such a great perfect post..loved every word of it.. and I jiggle jiggle jiggle in all the wrong places..hahahah

Erin said...

ur so darn funny with all ur stressin!!

Elaine A. said...

Ha ha ha! Too funny!! Thanks for the laugh. I've always been self-concious of my thighs too. But mine mostly just have to do with unfortunate DNA...

CC said...

awww ha ha ha!!! I always am trying to buy swim suits at the end of summer. Never works. Finally replaced my totally worn through suit mid-way this summer. At last. A Speedo (yes, I ended up in another Speedo) that isn't so thin you can see my....

Kellan said...

Oh - you are funny! I'm still smiling! Thanks for the laugh - Kellan

Manager Mom said...

Cute story..but I wanted to see the final swimsuit!!!

bessie.viola said...

LOL!! I share this very same anxiety, and Maddie's swim class begins on 10/14. If you have any advice for me, I'd love to hear it.

And I love your husband's suggestions - aren't they cute, with their offerings of pre-baby wear?

MoziEsmé said...

Sweet for you!

And you may just inspire me to put one of my suits on as the heat intensifies in this part of the world. With no tshirt over it. Do I dare?

Nap Warden said...

Buying suits is worse than jeans! Hate 'em...Garth is good:)

Hyphen Mama said...

LOL! That is the best story. I can relate on SO MANY levels. I've made it a point to stay out of swimsuits after having 2 kids. This summer, I braved it (having gotten a clearance suit last fall). Some idiot took pictures of the whole thing... I saw the pictures of myself in the swimsuit... I SO missed my XXL Def Lepard t-shirt.

Thanks for the laugh this morning.

Garth... snort.

anglophilefootballfanatic.com said...

Just keep telling yourself how when he's 3 you don't have to get in with him! And, I think shopping for suits after kid is seriously a plague of biblical proportions. So glad Garth was a good teacher.

nikki said...

My husband still tries to insist I wear my black string bikini from when I was 23 years old. Hahahhaha. Funny bastard.

LiteralDan said...

I obviously don't struggle with choosing the right bikini (I like them all...), but I could identify with this nonetheless.

I'm glad it turned out to be Garth, though if the shoe were on the other foot, I'd still totally want the eye candy. Why not? It's something to do during the class.

gina said...

I wear a suit -no matter what size I happen to be any given summer (and I have run the gammut trust you me). But I don't care what I look like- ok strike that. I care when I know I look good. But when I don't I don't think about other people I think about the memories I am creating with my girls - they have a mom who jumps right in with them. (I even cannonballed a time or two at my Inlaws, God help 'em). That said- I enjoyed your story and applaud you for putting yourself out there like that- twice. ;)

The Flip Flop Mamma! said...

Ha! Great post! I giggled:)

Sandy C. said...

Oh this story was fabulous :) I held my breath to the very end, and then couldn't stop giggling.

The last time Dadisodes suggested I wear a 2-piece, I told him to go jogging shirtless. :)

Wendi said...

Great story!
I love how you write.
I love your style.
BTW he probably told his friends all about the hawt mommy in his pool today!

Debbie said...

Great post. Just found you through a comment on another blog. Love your blog!

Rick said...

It would take one REALLY "Garthie" life guard to make me feel ok about being in a group wearing my trunks.

Bunchy said...

Okay, first of all, you crack me up. Second of all, in that picture of the girl with the bikini top? I'm pretty sure she's not wearing any bottoms. Where did you find that picture???? lol

Misty said...

I noticed the no bottoms, too.

And. I have not put on a suit in EIGHT years.

Oh dear.

Threeboys1mommy said...

Can i say that Agnes was the perfect name for your fictitious geriatric, and "holy cow patties, you are too funny" to you too. Thanks so much for stopping in, consider yourself added to my reader.

Eve Grey said...

That was the best story! I was literally holding my breath at the end!! I saw the hot picture and I was totally like, shwing! and then I saw Garth and i was all like, hurl. (:

Cheffie-Mom said...

OMG! Garth! Really?! LOL! LOL! LOL! Well written (:

tulipmom said...

Thanks for the laugh. I needed that.

abby p said...

OMG--this is hilarious. GARTH. Gosh, girl. You are such a writer!

painted maypole said...

what? garth doesn't do it for you?

party on!

Sue said...

So funny that you ended up with Garth! I guess anything younger than 40 would look hot to the pool ladies.

And what's up with your husband helping you bathing suit shop? Mine would have been begging to get to the tool department where he would feel more comfortable. Or dragging me into Victoria Secret. UGH!

Tranny Head said...

*snort*

Garth is way hawt - what are you talking about?

Also - I totally embrace my post-baby bod and don't care how schnitty I look. I still don a bikini.

Colleen said...

I shouldn't laugh, but I was all worked-up about a swimsuit this year, too (since Cooper did a lot more damage than Gavin did). After all that panic and searching and over-paying, I only got to go swimming twice all summer due to Cooper's ear infections.
I'm relieved that you've got Garth as a lifeguard/swim instructor. My family doctor is about the same age as me and is really nice, really friendly, and really good looking. I am sooooo thankful he's not my ob-gyn.

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