Friday, July 23, 2010

I Love You . . . But

BlogHer dumped me.

I can't say I blame them. I hadn't blogged in weeks. Months. (That's cool. I made .49 as per my recent BlogHer check--now I feel guilty that some tree had to suffer for my meager earnings. Great.)

A friend of mine had a baby a week or so ago.
I didn't even know she was pregnant.

I've missed a few appointments.
It's no wonder since I don't even remember making them.

I can be in the middle of a conversation and fall asleep.
Well, what do I expect on only a few hours of sleep?

I have no idea what I look like with make up and hairspray.
But I know exactly what I look like in sweat pants and t-shirts.

My purse has a Buzz Lightyear, a Blue's Clue paw print, and a mini Doc from CARS in it.
I have no idea where my lip gloss went.

"Date Night" involves a movie never watched and a fancy dinner at the Taco Bell.
We usually never get through the movie--sleep is a rare commodity.

I type this as my nearly three-year old climbs on me and points to my tepid coffee and says "So hot!"). I tickle him and her races off preparing for the morning chase. Which means I'm going to have to run . . . again. And again . . .

Time is a rare commodity . . . yet oddly, sometimes it lingers longer than it should in the spaces between bath and bedtime.

Are you ready for the great revelation?

Motherhood is hard.

I get it.

It took a little time, a little distance from the hormonally fueled honeymoon of being a new mom, with my shiny, squeaky things and inflated ideas of perfection. Oh, and I suppose having ANOTHER child provides some clarity as well.

(My nearly three-year old has confiscated a box of "Crunchies" and is now . . . he poured the entire box on his pancake plate. I consider it a victory in that it is ALL on the plate. SCORE!)

I've come a long way from videotaping my living room and posting the elaborate toy "stations" we would go through as the day progressed. I've come a long way from the posts with ethereal photos in the park of a pale-faced, doe-eyed child looking lovingly into the camera. I've come a long way from the rhyming, witty posts about the lack of sleep, ending in a couplet of sweet understanding and love.

A long way . . .

Motherhood is hard. Perhaps "Whiskey in My Sippy Cup" was a clue. I just thought is was a cute blog name. Yeah, I had no idea it was a survival technique. Not that I've tried it . . . yet.

* * *

Jennifer Senior wrote in NEW YORK MAGAZINE about parenting. It wasn't your typical article about the joys of motherhood and the trials and tribulations that end in profound revelations doused in love. Nope.

It was about why parenting sucks--"Why Parents Hate Parenting." (a blog post dedicated to this article is brewing as I write this . . . )

A few years ago I would have scoffed at such a topic. Today, I get it. I love parenting, right? Sure I do. Do I hate parenting? Yes. Some days I do. But the constant is this--I absolutely love my children. Even if I cringe as I peel a Dum Dum out of my hair, change a poop explosion that has spilled out into areas unknown, chase after a toddler as he runs like an Olympian into the parking lot, tend to "business" while my infant eats toilet paper and the toddler "decorates" the bathroom with said paper while "blessing" it with the toilet brush. Yeah. I love them.

I feel like a late arrival to a party where all the games have been played, the wine bottles have been emptied and the party goers sit slouched on tired couches recalling the days of misspent youth. Mommy bloggers have been blogging about their exploits since the blog was first birthed (pun weakly intended). I remember thinking, "Perhaps it will be different for me."

No. It hasn't been.

And for that, I am thankful and desperate, trying to remember why I've abandoned this blog, the blog world.

Oh, yeah. The whole time and sleep thing.

And, while there is not enough blog space for me to thoroughly explore another topic, I think too much. I don't think I have that luxury anymore and quite frankly, it is a luxury I don't need, I never needed. I would ruminate over a blog post until I killed the topic with critical thoughts and misdirected misconceptions. Really, I obliterated perfectly good ideas, worrying about how it sounded, driving myself crazy with fear that it might not be good enough. I was drenched in self-doubt and while drowning, I let go of the story and it let go of me.

Just write, just tell it like it is, with all the raw details, cliches and misspellings you want. So you're no Hemingway. Who cares if what you say is trite or far from profound. It's like blood . . . everyone has it running through their veins, but the difference is that it courses through your body. Your words. Your blood.

Perhaps you'll want to read what I write. If you do, so be it. If you don't, so be it.

I miss this. I do.

And I'm not ready to walk away . . .


Lori said...

I have missed you and would love to have you back in the blog world. And, as someone who is currently struggling with infertility, it is refreshing for people to tell it like it is! (hugs)

Barb said...

Thank you for the amazing and honest post. I also try to tell it like it is with a dash of humor. I have an older son and 2 little ones, and I can tell you that it does eventually get a bit better. I'm linking to your post becaause it's fantastic (I also loved the articles that you referenced).

Unknown said...

There you are. I've missed you. You seem to have grown some, in the meantime. I mean, your approach is leaner, more realistic, more YOU. I like that.

Welcome back. Welcome home.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

It was great to see you show up in my reader. You can write a compelling post with one hand tied behind your back (or grabbing a toddler that's swinging from the ceiling fan).

It's good to have your own space.

Maggie, dammit said...

I feel you. If I had BlogHer ads I'm sure they would have dumped me long ago. I'm averaging 1-2 posts a month and have been for a year now. I just don't feel like I have anything to add to the conversation that's been had and had and had again. But then there are times I know I have something I need to express, and then I'm so grateful my outlet still exists.

No answers. But I'm not ready to leave yet either....

Tara R. said...

I was so excited to see this post in my Reader... I have missed you! Welcome back.

I do get the time suck parentlng can be. I thought as my kids reached their teens there would be more time for me... I didn't factor in sports, and friends, and parties... and....

I still haven't caught up on my sleep. But, the kiddos can drive themselves places now, but I wait up until they get home.

flutter said...

I miss you.

Pregnantly Plump said...

Parenting is hard. So very hard. It would be great to read your posts again. I've missed them.

Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings said...

How true it all is. How we hope we can be rosey and happy all the time in our blog posts, but then alas, reality hits and we realize that being real, blogging the reality, means sometimes not being happy and not loving everything about being a parent. Glad to see you back in some form!

Kamis Khlopchyk said...

I have missed you and yes, don't overthink, just write. You have a gift that needs to be shared.

when you have time of course, you are still in the trenches. I promise, it will get easier. Well easier in the sense taht you will get more sleep. Parenting, well, it just gets different that's all.

xoxoxoxxo said...

GOOD. I'm glad you're back. Life isn't perfect, so why should blog posts be? A break can open your mind up and make you reevaluate why you write. You write because you LOVE it. This I know!

Unknown said...

I so love your writing. And this post proves it again.

Welcome back and glad you're staying. And no, you are not late to the party. It goes on and on... ;)

April said...

So glad you're back!! I've missed you.
Not to pimp my blog or anything, but I wrote a post on that whole Why Parents Hate Parenting:

Lisa said...

I love how you said that. Yes, there are days that parenting sucks, but you do always love the kiddos. And three? Well, that can completely send this one over the edge ;)

MommyTime said...

I'm glad you're not disappearing completely! I feel the same way you do -- both worrying about over-thinking (and therefore writing nothing) adn about the overwhelming nature of parenting. I look forward to hearing from you more in the coming months, though. I missed your voice and presence.

Kat said...

So glad to hear that you are still here! I have been letting my blog go by the wayside as well. Lately I just want to be in the moment. For me, it seems that since I had my fourth life has been going by so quickly that I can barely keep up. It is summer. I want to savour it. And at the same time I want to write about it so I can remember it. But I just can't muster the time just now. Soon, I hope.

Glad to hear from you!!!!! :)

Kristen said...

I too am glad to hear that you are surviving. And believe me I get it. There are days where survival feels like a major victory. Why is it that no one ever says how hard it really is?

Hang in there. And when you feel like it, I would love to read.

tommie said...

So good to see you posting again.

I have been on a blog hiatus myself. We moved back to OK...along with a major life change.

Flea said...

Yay! I'm just coming back from the summer off and glad to see I'm not the only one.

Being a parent doesn't seem to get easier. Well, the good news is that it will get easier when they enter school. The bad news is that they eventually become teenagers. So enjoy them thoroughly now, before you're rarin' and ready to throw them out.

Karen MEG said...

Welcome back! I've missed your writing - glad to hear that you're surviving the trenches of motherhood and are not abandoning the blog. A post here and there, whenever you can do it, is just awesome! (coming from someone who can barely squeak out one post a month nowadays...)

Anonymous said...

You are not the only one sweetness. I've been out of the loop for almost six months or more. I'm slowly getting my feet wet again and trying to post more often. Thankful school is starting tomorrow and my hours are changing so that I have time at home before The Man Thing gets home to do all of my "bloggie stuff" and then spend time with the family. I love the school schedule life. I've missed you, but I'm still a follower. When you post, we'll be there. Love you.

istanbul referandum sonuçları said...

thank you

Woman in a Window said...

(and so then, where are you?)

it evolves. what we need to say. we do, too.

tell me about your evolution.

much love

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