Friday, November 6, 2009

Reason #354 on why Facebook Sucks

Click. Scroll. Click.

Nice. Swell. Awesome.

Today I have even more proof as to why I am the world's worst mother.

Flippin' Facebook. Oh, how I hate thee.

"Just took the kids to the apple orchard! The kids absolutely loved it! We're making homemade applesauce this afternoon and then we'll bundle up on the couch and tell stories about how much we love apples! What a glorious day!"

"Tanner's teacher told me how special Tanner is and that he incredibly advanced for his age. We are looking to have him tested for MENSA membership. We just adore our little one-year old. Wish us luck!"

"Just got back from a Safari in Africa. The children were ecstatic. We have some amazing photographs that were taken by a National Geographic photo journalist. He's thinking that our family would make a wonderful cover! Can you imagine? We just wanted to give the children the opportunity to actually SEE African animals and now we are going to be on the cover of a magazine! I'll let you know when so you can all pick up a copy.Maybe the children and I will fashion homemade frames out of bamboo for you to put the picture in. Wow, I am so full of ideas!"

"I just finished making 12 costumes for Ashley's dance troupe! I even weaved the cotton with my loom. It's so lovely. Later I'll be making a hearty vegetable soup (from veggies picked from our cooperative) that we'll deliver to our local soup shelter later this afternoon. All this and it is barely noon! I'm not even tired yet. Bring on the day!"



I get it. You're perfect. You have an awesome life. You have a busy life (really? 'cause I totally think some of you are lying or at the very least, exaggerating. If not, then you are bragging and that just sucks). But, do you really need to tell all 6,543 of your friends?

It has gotten so mind-numbingly bad that I'm back to wishing for more posts like this:

"Just picked a splinter out of my big toe. It was big. Ouch."

"Ate Wheaties for breakfast. Going to shower now."

"Anyone know any home remedies for hemorrhoids?"

I'm not perfect. I'm nowhere near a supermom. I wouldn't know the first thing about African Safaris -- but WE do look at animals in books. Occasionally, I'll follow JR around and growl. That's as safari as we get in these parts. JR is nowhere near being MENSA material. He bangs his head against the wall for fun and his best friend is a tiny toy car named Lightening McQueen.

Once, a long, long time ago, I lived in a bubble. It was a glorious bubble free from Facebook and mom's groups. It was a bubble that had me believing that I was OK. I was actually pretty darned great. JR and I colored, played with Playdoh, I chased him and tickled him silly, we watched Sesame Street together (I am an expert at imitating Cookie Monster--and eating like him, too), I read to him, and we'd dance and spin in the living room until we were dizzy. Sometimes we did absolutely nothing but sit on the couch where I would hoist him up on my knees and make up songs.

Damn, I was good.

I don't doubt that I'm a good mom now. Trust me, this isn't a whiny post where I am desperately searching for words of support and encouragement.

BUT, I can't like, Facebook can make it tough (so can blogs and Twitter if we really want to get down to it). There are super amazing freakishly perfect people out there . . . let me tell ya.

As for the rest of us, we're just . . . we're just, here. Trying our best. Day after day.
"I just brushed my teeth (it's noon). I'm hoping I'll be able to take a shower sometime today--or at least before my PJs start walking on their own. JR just smeared finger paints . . . oh, no, that would be a Sharpie, on the walls. Baby A is grunting something extraordinary in her diaper. And, I'm pretty sure my washer is dead. Yay me."

That's more like it . . . yup. Sure is.

*So, none of the above post were actually on Facebook, but you get the point. And quite frankly, some of the posts are even worse.


Karen said...

I've got your back. My day is a variation of the same theme. That would be, "Which dog crapped in the laundry room?! Micah, if it makes you gag, don't look at it. Boys, when you get something in your traps don't let the dead carcass lie around on the front porch. And WHO ON EARTH plugged up the toilet and didn't tell anyone?! GAH, the stench!" See, we're not so big on the educational part at this house. And most thing revolve around excrement.

Mommy X said...

Ha...yeah, I think yours is much more realistic. If it makes you feel any better, I posted on FB yesterday that I was looking for a gas remedy for my dog.

Kristi said...

Some friend me, you'll feel better. My updates run along the lines of "Is it Monday yet" The kids are bouncing off the wall."

OHmommy said...

I would write something like this myself except for most of the people on my "real" FB account read my blog You know, the ones that make gourmet meals and update about it. Ha.

Kori said...

Step away from the facebook account....and live. I don't get it, why people need to BE like that, and who the hell has time to do all of that? Well. We picked apples from one tree. And I made homemade applesauce, okay? BUT: it took six of us to pick two boxes of apples and two fukk weekends to get them all peeld, cooked, canned, and during that time it was,"Het the hell out of the way, these jars are hot," and "why are there half chewed up apples all over the floor?" and "who the hell thought it would be good to teach the dogs to chase the apples?" and we certainly did NOT snuggle up on the couch to tell happy stories about it. With luck, we will have enough to last for two years, so hopefully by then their scarred memories will be glossed over and they will think,"Hey, what fun!"

My point is, I think you are right; there might be a small nuggest of truth and it has been exxagerated, OR those people drink a lot late at night or compulsivley exercise or spend spend spend-it isn't normal.

Or so I say, to make myself feel better, right? :)

Tara R. said...

I take all those sort of posts with a grain of salt. Anyone can claim anything and hide behind a veil of anonymity, or at least a little bit of it.

You are still a damn good mom, and an honest one.

Kamis Khlopchyk said...

Ha! That won't be me writing those, I am usually griping out my grocery store layout or some other thing ticking me off.

Oh wait, that's not really better is it?

I am just on FB for the scrabble, I swear.

Ps I was laughing out loud to those fake statuses...the African safari one, seriously, awesome.

Lori said...

You need to be my friend on facebook...cuz I am no where near perfect! ha! Seriously, you are a REAL mom...all that other is SHOW!

Sage Ravenwood said...

Honestly the freakish perfect people scare the crap out of me. They're not normal, seriously.

I've discovered when someone offers up that much information and enthusiasm about "their" perfect world, I always ask, "What is they're hiding and won't talk about?" Guarantee there will be some skeletons in those closets. (Hugs)Indigo

Sage Ravenwood said...

P.S I hate Facebook. I couldn't stand all the applications and games. To me it's high school all over again. An adult popularity contest. (Hugs)Indigo

S said...

this made me laugh.

Unknown said...

Amen Sister!! I just a week or so ago joined FB and I HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT. It seems that everybody and their family has been on BIG! FUN! vacations lately. Or running marathons after giving birth to their 4th kid. Reading FB is like reading those annoying WE'RE SO PERFECT Christmas letters... every day. GAG.

Mozi Esme said...

Too funny! I used to hate Christmas letters for that reason. Now thanks to FB you can get it all year long!

Come on, though, folks, some of us post those nice cozy posts just so we can feel good about ourselves, because we certainly get no affirmation from the homefront...

And there's a little truth to it - I did can 8 qts of grape juice over the past month (while pounds of grapes rotted and I hated every guilty moment of it...).

So give me some latitude and let me feel good about the 8 qts just for a short moment. :)

Unknown said...

"I even weaved the cotton with my loom. It's so lovely."

This whole post brought the laughs, but that line was absolutely priceless.

So, so very true.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

When did parenting become a competitive sport?

stefanie said...

This is so funny. So true. A few years ago I got ANGRY with the Christmas Letters that people sent to us. I refused to read them. All that bragging about kids and jobs and STUFF. Blech. If it's any consolation, most highly gifted toddlers will turn out quite average. Despite wishful thinking, the bell curve has it's inevitability.

Kat said...

Well Sh$t. I just made homemade applesauce (with apples from the orchard) the other day. Oops.
BUT, I haven't showered yet today. Or yesterday, come to think of it. Hmm. When the hell was the last time I got a shower?????

Flea said...

I've already written most of my bullet point Christmas letter. Things on it? Stuff about my youngest child failing a class. The oldest falling and fracturing a wrist. The middle one doing nothing. And me still working at the crazy hospital. Woo.

You're not alone.

I do wish that we lived near each other. I'd teach you to sew. That's one thing I do well and teach well. C'est la vie'. (no, I don't speak a foreign language - it's one of two phrases I actually know)

Anonymous said...

I almost fell out of my chair laughing at this. So funny.

April said...

I've learned not to get too real on FB. It can lead to some uncomfortable moments, definitely. Think of it more like those holiday cards/letters, but the fun lasts all year long!

Burgh Baby said...

I recently learned how to hide people on Facebook, and OMG! It has changed my life! Now I can pretend they don't exist. It's beautiful.

Anonymous said...

Thank you! Thank you! That is why I won't join FB or Twitter or Myspace or anything that really requires me updating on my DULL life! Seriously--very dull and boring! My updates would be just sad!

Another sad thing is how many teens are dying from doing updates on FB instead of calling for help--teens in a cave & some girls that were in a car that was filling up with water..they all tragically died. Call 911 or your parents first --don't tweet or update fb about it! DUH!

Lisa said...

I love this post! Made me laugh out loud. Perfect people suck.

Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings said...

You need to follow me on Facebook. That'll make you feel normal.

"Kid won't sleep. Dog threw up. Great day."

"Coughing, fever, chills. Not as fun as it sounds."

"I'd like to stay home from work. Can't because then I'd be more."

You know...real exciting stuff. :-)

Momisodes said...

Oh how I can relate. I think you need to start reading my FB updates :) They're definitely more along the lines of yours.

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CC said...

Hi LaskiGal, I haven't seen you in a long time!!!!!!!

My facebook status ought to look like this: "Made it through work today. Only one student threw a book at me. three students spit on me while trying to make good sounds. One called me a B****. And two blatantly defied my request to "walk" in the hall. Came home to a husband that was in too much pain to get up from the couch. Made kids clean the house (took 2 hours). Scrounged up some leftovers. Dropped into bed but couldn't sleep. Tomorrow? Looking forward to doing it all over again!"

Cynthia said...

Spent the whole day blog designing...forgot to shower...forgot to Facebook it too;)

Jaina said...

I'm sure those things actually have been posted in some way, shape or form. I hope to be a super cool mom like that someday, but some days I can't even manage to make myself look presentable! I am taking inspiration from so many blogs I read and hoping to learn from everyone when my time comes.

Life As I Know It said...

There was an article about the over-inflated status updates on facebook in the boston globe last week. How we create an online identity that is not always congruous with our real life identity.
Yeah, I'm getting more and more disenchanted with FB.

tulipmom said...

It's great to read you again after so long. I just joined Facebook not too long ago and you have put my feelings into words so well.

I'm not even sure I realized how inadequate Facebook was making me feel although I know I was feelin' it.

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