Thursday, November 19, 2009

Caught Up

Blank screen.

I have no idea what to write. Not a single clue.

Yet, my mind is filled with rambling thoughts, words willing themselves from keyboard strokes to the virtual page.

I hate when that happens.

I had a goal. I wanted to write a little every day. I thought my blog would hold me accountable to that promise.

It didn't. I got caught up.

Baby A is growing so fast. She used to fit between hip and knee, propped up with her head tilted as if listening to secrets instead of my sing song whispers in her ear.

JR is speaking to me. He was silent for so long and now he is all, "Mama, mama, mama." I cover myself with the warm cloak of motherhood with each mumbled syllable.

I find myself feeling heavy with frustration. I want so desperately to soak in my baby girl, to observe each twitch of bowed lips and shift of her slate blue eyes. I want to translate her melodic coos and chirps. Sometimes, I just want to hold her, to feel her heft against my chest or her soft frame curled within mine.

But he calls me. He needs me. I want to sit with him, watch him trace his fingers over the page, willing the words to come and bring the story to life. I want to guide him as he creates masterpieces of crayon, chalk and paint. I want to take his hands in mine and twirl him until we fall into a dizzy pile, legs entwined, locked in a loose embrace.

And then there is me. Mama.

Laura.

I used to know exactly who I was, what I wanted. I was passionate about so many things. I was fueled by an internal drive to succeed--to do something big, to be someone important.

I feel myself fading into motherhood and it is right where I want to be. I am big to them, I am important to them. I am enough as I am. There are things I want, but for now they can wait.

But so much will not.

She will grow out of the gentle curve of my body and leap out of my arms, never to return again.

When will the last day be? When will I last feel your squishy little body resting in my arms? I know there will be a last day . . .

I know his calls will one day be for someone else. The woman he needs will no longer be me. I get it. I do . . .

Do you need me? If you do, I'm here.

No, mama. I'm can do it.

That day will come.

It's OK. I want those days to come, to see my babies grow. To see them become independent, strong people of purpose.

But for now, I just want to hold them in my arms, feel their sweet breaths against my ear as we talk about how I love them "through and through." I want to stay caught up for as long as I possibly can . . . for as long as they'll let me.

18 comments:

Misty said...

It's true. That day does come. I'm looking it in the face.......

LceeL said...

Just like you will tell your kids - you can do anything - be anything - it's never, EVER too late.

Kat said...

Exactly how I feel right now. There is so much I want to do, but it can wait. My babies won't wait. It goes too fast.
Well said!

slouchy said...

You are right to feel this way. I know I'm going to sound old, but it goes SO fast.

Tara R. said...

Drink them in now, because time does fly by. But they will always come back to you.

Aunt Becky said...

It's so hard. It's so, so hard. I wish I could bottle it up so I could pull it out later and drink it up when I needed some of their babyhood back.

April said...

Sounds like really good reasons to neglect your blog every now and then! But it's also really good to hear from you.

Pregnantly Plump said...

I understand this completely.

Anonymous said...

You said it perfectly. It is so difficult to articulate the struggle. Thank you for that . . .

Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings said...

I cuddled with my son this morning, reluctant to leave to go to an eye-doctor's appointment and then work. He was so soft and warm and wanted to stay curled up with me. he turned 3 last weekend, but he still lets me hold him, cuddle him, kiss him. I love it and I dread the day he pushes me away.

Lori said...

I think you found the words! I love that you appreciate every moment of your children. They are so lucky!

Flea said...

I have had a long, emotional day with my 15 year old boy. He's still hurting over a break up. I can't hold him like I did when he was little and my snuggle baby. But he's still my boy. It just ... I dunno

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Enjoy every little bit of it. But know that when it is over it will also be time for it to be over.

Elaine A. said...

This is so beautiful. It gave me chills and produced tears. You need to write here more often. You know, when you aren't breathing in those beautiful children... : )

Mommy X said...

I feel like only yesterday I held my son inside of my body. He flopped and fluttered and I loved every single moment of it. I wondered what it would be like to have him on the outside. Now it's been nearly 2.5 year. Wow! Where does the time go? He's getting bigger, more independent...but I know, I just know that if I do it right he will always want to come back to me. Maybe not to be held so tightly but to be his friend and confidante. You are doing things right and the only day that you will have to let go and say goodbye is the day that you die. And even then....maybe not. XO Loved this post.

MoziEsmé said...

Oh - how much I can relate! There are moments I miss being "free." But then my little one snuggles against me and I wonder how I can bear for her to grow up, as much as I want what's best for her.

Angela said...

I loved this and how you just let all your thoughts and emotions flow...lovely...

Nap Warden said...

It does go too fast.

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