Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Slurpee B*tch

I have these cravings, you see. They have nothing to do with pickles, peanut butter or even midnight runs for some obscure ice cream flavor.

My first craving (and yes, I am eating a bowl of Multigrain Cheerios right now) is cereal. It is more of an obsession. Lucky Charms, Post Raisin Bran (yes, it must be Post), Apple Jacks, oh, and sweet, sweet Cap'n Crunch (with Berries--I simply don't get it without the berries. Seriously, why bother?). A cereal aisle is my personal Disney World.

Chocolate MALTS are my other vice. And no, a chocolate milkshake will simply not due. Quite frankly, any form of thick chocolaty goodness without extra malt is a travesty. A sneer and a flip to my taste buds.

And then there is my intensely snooty love for fruit. I have been known to eat an entire watermelon in one sitting. We won't discuss the after effects of said gluttony--it wouldn't be suitable for this family-friendly blog. While I will eat nearly any type of fruit, I will say that I am a total fruit snob. Grapes must be plump and firm. Bananas bruise free and the perfect shade of yellow (with a hint of green). Apples must be near perfect--any flaw at all and I am certain it will be one of those mealy apples that isn't suitable for anything except maybe a second-rate applesauce. And my berries. Oh, sweet berries. If I'm going to spend $567,987 on you, then you'd better be perfect. That's all I can say . . .

Cereal, malts and fruit. That's what I crave. However, I would give them all up to a train full of naked nuns if I were offered a . . .

Slurpee.

Cherry, preferably.

I see a 7-11 and I darn near break down into a fit of convulsions. The husband doesn't even bother asking. He simply pulls in and retrieves my said drug of choice. Bless him . . .

This brings me to only a few days ago.

I was at a popular big box store where you can purchase a meal for an entire family (pizza, pretzel, Slurpee-wannabe) for under $10 at the store cafe. Seriously, I've had several "date nights" at the big box store so I would know.

JR and I were on our own, making our way toward the exit, when I spotted the Slurpee-wannabe machine. I knew it was there, I just tried to ignore it. But, I failed. Instead, my heavy feet headed in the direction of the counter, dollar clutched in my palm. Within minutes I had my Slurpee-wannabe in hand. Well, JR had it in hand.

The Slurpee-wannabe is served in a cup that is about the size of JR's upper body. While I was packing away the receipt and organizing the cart, I set the Slurpee-wannabe between his legs. He had the straw in his mouth in less than 2 seconds, happily sucking away.

A nearby cashier commented about how cute it was. I quickly responded in a way that let her know I do not give my toddler a gallon jug of red, icy sugar water every day, but an occasional sip I feel is fine. She didn't care what I said, she just thought it was cute watching him try to drink from a cup that was twice the size of his head.

A few more patrons walked buy and all were amused with the tiny toddler with the huge cup sitting between his legs.

Except for one lady.

Now, be forewarned. There was a good chance I was hormonal, overly sensitive or just plain irritated.

"My, look at that. That cup is bigger than he is!" she exclaimed loudly.

I looked up, preparing to remove the straw from toddler's mouth and move toward the exit. I smiled at her and nodded in agreement.

"What is he drinking?" she asked.

"It is an icy drink--it is actually mine, but he loves to steal a sip or two." So he'd been sucking on it for a few minutes, she didn't need to know that.

"Oh," came her arched-eyebrow response. "You know," she continued, "when my babies were young, I would dilute all of their sweet drinks with water. I refused to give them such sugary drinks." Oh, thank you wise one.

My jaw clenched. I take criticism pretty well. I have fairly tough skin. I am open to accepting advice. But, for some reason, I felt a brewing frustration . I mean, she didn't know me, my son, my situation.

Listen, ma'am. I have been with Mr. No-Naps for the day, ALL day. He is showing his most wonderful toddler side by refusing to do . . . well, everything and anything. My house is a mess, I'm feeling a zillion weeks pregnant, I didn't make dinner and I have no clean underwear. Why, because this 2 and a half foot little human is the center of my existence (at least at this moment). We play chase, Play Doh, paint, color, go to the park, sing songs, dance, work on our alphabet and study pre-calculus. And so you know, I barely give him juice at all. He usually drinks water or milk. When I do give him juice I dilute it. Just because my toddler is sitting in a cart, in a big box store with a Slurpee-wannabe tucked between his legs and a straw as long as his body in his mouth does not make me a bad mother. So, while I appreciate your exemplary parenting skills, I'd appreciate if you just kept your comments to yourself.

Breathe.

But, I didn't say any of that.

Instead, I looked at JR, happily sucking down my 100 ounce Slurpee-wannabe and then focused my gaze on her.

"Well," I began, a smile pasted on my serene face, "good for you."

And that's all I said. With that, I turned away and headed for the door.

You know, had I just gone to 7-11 then maybe none of this would have happened. That's what I get for going all generic.

I got home, still a bit twisted from my experience. More twisted that it bothered me at all than by what she said.

In rather dramatic fashion, I reenacted the story for my husband. "You can just call me the Slurpee Bitch," I gleefully bragged (even though the bulk of the conversation never happened.)

"Um, actually," he said, clearing his throat, "wouldn't it be more accurate to say the Slurpee-wannabe Bitch?"

Oh yeah, he did.

And with that, I poured myself an extra serving of Lucky Charms and marched into the living room to watch some mind-numbing reality TV.

Damn, Slurpee . . .

wannabe.

46 comments:

flutter said...

Dude. your blood sugar must be insane!

Laski said...

Flutter--you are right! It must be. Just today I found out I "flunked" my glucose test and have a 3-hour tolerance test to take later this week.

Needless to say, this was probably my Slurpee Swan Song . . .

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

She would surely have shaken her head at Danger Boy--he used to have a Monster Slurpee Gulp a day habit until they closed down the 7-11 within walking distance. Sometimes you just have to say, "WTH?!"

DysFUNctional Mom said...

"well. Good for you." I love it!!!

Crysm said...

Being somewhat of a Slurpee snob myself, I would never touch the wanna be slurpee. Just seems wrong. No blame though! We all do desperate things in desperate times.

You do deserve big time kudos for not buying another wanna be slurpee and throwing it at the lady who could use a little sugar from how it sounded.

*great post! I loved it. Hope you don't mind me teasing a bit*
Crysm

Cecily R said...

Yummmmmm. Slurpee. I don't have to be hormonal to understand that craving.

And just so you know, Evie would be sucking that thing down just as fast...you are NOT alone there. After all, she has free reign over the Otter Pops in our house.

Zoeyjane said...

I had the exact same cravings with my girl. But add on so-spicy-your-face-catches-fire food and lots of beef (I was a vegetarian, before, so that was an issue). Trust me when I say Cinnamon Swirl Life is going to be your best friend. And seriously, if you have none in your stores, send me your address. You need it. She needs it.

Woman in a Window said...

ooohhhh, now MY blood is boiling. errrr...people!

On the other hand, I'm loving your insanity quite a lot. (I misread this, "a meal for an entire family for under $10 at the store cafe" as: food from the craft store and I was wondering just how yummy that might be?)

Flea said...

Bwahahaha!

Yeah.

Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

You should get a medal for not clawing her eyes out!! Nice jaw clenching reflex. I'm impressed!

I craved orange pop and tacos from Taco Bell. With EVERY pregnancy! Also, I would eat a salad with Newman's raspberry vinagrette at least 2 times a day. It had to have spinach leaves, grape tomatoes (halved) and mozzarella sticks cut into chunks. HAD TO. Or else I was NOT FUN.

Cat said...

Ya know It does'nt really matter what she said or thinks - you know whats best for your baby and thats all that matters - but you know that of course... I do love the husbands response - too funny!

Oh and lucky charms - Oh my freakin yums!

Allison Says said...

Haha! You are too funny.

I hate when people get all judgy. You handled it well. I always want to say something super snarky but always end up just not responding and walking away.

Nap Warden said...

Stupid people!

karen pery said...

I was just, JUST, reading one of my old blog posts from when I was pg with #2, and I believe I actually *did* say all the nasty things that came to mind. Hmph.

Mighty Morphin' Mama said...

I used to be one of those mom's... My eldest never had sugar, evah... but now I give all my babies slurpees:D what else do you drink on a sweltering day?
Hope the test goes well. I had to do those a few times but I always ended up okay.

Angie @ KEEP BELIEVING said...

I don't think I read, and I know I didn't retain anyway, a word after a train full of naked nuns????

KEEP BELIEVING

April said...

And the transformation from "new mom" to mom is now complete!

Rachel said...

bwahahahahahaaaa Amen girlfriend!

Slurpee Bitch, wannabe or not. You handled it beautifully.

MoziEsmé said...

Can I relate...

I had a slurpee craving last year when home from Africa for a month. Had to catch up on slurpees for the next year! And wannabees were just fine.

And my baby girl gets to suck on those things - I even get them just for her (since I need an excuse) when she's being cranky and I can't think of anything else to appease her. I will have to remember your comeback. Nobody's said anything yet, but I can feel those hot looks.

Good luck on the 3-hour test! I had to do that with Esme - fortunately the first was just a false positive, but it was a wakeup call and ruined all my donut/sorbet moments for the rest of my pregnancy.

Pregnantly Plump said...

It amazes what people will say and do when you have a child that is obviously healthy and happy (maybe not obviously, but you know...) Silly woman. I think you said the right thing.
I'm super sensitive now, too. Although I more just get frustrated with checkout people. If you don't know how to scan coupons, then ask a manager! Don't stand there and twiddle your thumbs hoping that someone will spot you looking confused. Grrr. AND don't cut me in line at CVS and then pretend you don't understand what a line is. Unfortunately the woman was able to get away with cutting me, but I did get in a good glare. The man who attempted the same thing on another day wised up and got in the back of the line.

Tiaras and Tantrums said...

first - good for you for saying something - I do that too! I can never just walk away with a smile.
second I am SO a fruit snob!! and I have never had a slurpee in my life. go figure?

Kami's Khlopchyk said...

Oh my goodness, I can't stop laughing, really, that lady had gall and I think your response to her (the real one) was stellar. Put that in your pipe and smoke it lady!

I mean, did they even have slurpees back when her kids were little? Even wannabe ones? :)

Elaine A. said...

Don't you just love how people are SO willing to give their opinions? Yeesh...

BTW, your first few paragraphs just described everything I am craving this pregnancy. Fruit and cereal and then some... cereal. ; )

thedomesticfringe said...

I wrote a post about eating at one of those big box stores.

http://thedomesticfringe.wordpress.com/2009/01/22/what-zagats-wont-tell-you/

Isn't funny how many strangers offer parenting advice? Not really. I'm having a book give-away today. It's for moms. If you'd like to enter, please do so prior to 10pm Wednesday.

I'm sure your kiddo looked adorable drinking his giant slushy.

-FringeGirl

Burgh Baby said...

Alexis will not drink a Slurpee, or a Slurpee-wannabe. Ponder that for a moment. Try to wrap your head around it. OK, now explain it to me. How is it possible to have a kid who won't drink Slurpees?

Lori&Kevin said...

Way to take the high road! :-)

Pam said...

I'm having an intense craving for a slurpy right now- and I would totally be sharing with both my kids because that is just what you do as a mom.....

Lindsey said...

Yuuuumeeeeee!! I love them too! I resist most of the time, but every once in a while...and I'm with ya on the fruit. It has to be cold for me, very cold, but it's a pregnancy craving that I've had the entire time, especially when I was sick and hardly ate anything else. I flunked my test a month ago too but the glucose one proved that all was fine, my sugar was actually completely normal, must have been a bad couple of days or something. I'm sure your's is fine too! Damn slurpees!!!

Maggie's Mind said...

Hehehehe, too funny. It amazes me how "helpful" some folks try to be to complete strangers. And now I'm craving a bowl of cereal - just bought Multigrain Cheerios today. Nummy.

painted maypole said...

he he

re: malts. i love choco malts, and once when I was out kept sending the malt back because it didn't taste malty enough. On the THIRD go the waitress finally said that they were out of malt, so she just put in a little more chocolate. ???????? huh???????? i had to call over the manager as she did not understand why this was not OK. trust me, I did not pay for that "malt" - or my meal, I believe. and the waitress got a crappy tip (which is very very rare in my world)

just jamie said...

Wait, what happened to Swedish fish?

melissa said...

when i was pregnant, i LIVED for sugar pops. and sugar smacks. and goldfish crackers.
the doctors should just do your glucose tolerance test right after one of those super sized slurpees!!!
xo

LceeL said...

Gestational Diabetes is fairly common - it usually clears up after the pregnancy is over. However, it is also an indicator that you should keep an eye on things later in life. Just in case.

And your hubs - a scholar, obviously. Even I know better than that.

Penny Williams said...

I laughed OUT LOUD reading this!

I couldn't eat enough Lucky Charms during my second pregnancy. I don't think I'd eaten them more than once my entire life before and only occasionally since. I definitly ate a lifetime's-worth during that pregnancy.

SonyaAnn said...

People suck! I hate when they get involved in other peoples business. I don't think that I would have been able to hold my tongue! But you did make me laugh so thank you for that. It's just ashamed that you had to go through that.

huddtoo said...

Ok, are we like sisters??? Gosh, so the same. Banana's, malts, the whole nine yards! Oh but my Raisin Bran has to be the one with the crispy oat clusters in it! :)
Boy, I wanted Arby's Jamocha about as much as your slurpee's when I was PG with my girl! Yum!

Ok, that lady.. that would have annoyed me the rest of the day. Isn't it amazing how someone can ruin your day "trying to be helpful"?? Grr! Why judge? And frankly, after all that, I think you SHOULD have said all that. If I was a zillion weeks PG I would have said that and added in some choice &$^#&@* words, cuz I'm nice like that! LOL
But, I guess...good girl for you being so nice to her! LOL at the slurpee-wannabe-bitch. hehe

BTW - new pics on my blog! ;)

MamaGeek @ Works For Us said...

Dude. ME TOO.

My slurpee cravings are so intense, my poor hubby has started MAKING THEM AT HOME.

I feel ya. I sip with ya.

MommyTime said...

Argh, those Super Perfect Mothers who offer assvice in the stores are just the WORST! I am so sorry on your behalf. And impressed that you kept all the frustration to yourself. That is some real self restraint, and you have a right to feel a mite bit proud. Well done.

And sorry to hear that you will probably also have to be shifting to the unsweetened-chaff-and-straw variety of cereals now. Darn glucose test!

Karen said...

I've never gotten people who feel the need to tell you what brand of bad parent you are. I will, however, tell you what brand of bad parent that I am. It's always good for making someone feel better about their parenting skills.

abby p said...

You are still infatuated with malts? And Slurpees? If I recall you were infatuated with those long before you were pregnant.

I'm still thinking about your eating an entire watermelon. I know you've done it. I've seen it happen!

Trannyhead said...

Boooo!

I wanted you to rip her a new one as I, no doubt, would have. Oooh - it makes me mad just reading this. Now I have to go out and get into some sort of altercation to relieve my altercation craving. Yes, I said it, I have a craving for altercations.

Momo Fali said...

You said exactly what I would have said, though what I really would have wanted to do was toss the Slurpee wannabe all over her.

Aunt Becky said...

Sounds JUST like my mother-in-law. I cannot stand my MIL.

kbreints said...

Love this post... Been there.. I can SOOO see myself with said almost two year old and hugely prego belly... cart full of monster box of diapers and child eating VERY LARGE cup of VERY CEAP ice-cream from Sam's Club... oh yeah.. I got more then a few glances...

OHmommy said...

I wish I craved slurpees and watermelon during my pregnancies. I craved McD french fries and needed to pull over at each one.

Oh. And stoooopid biatch. HATE haters.

Life As I Know It said...

I'm impressed with the restraint you showed. I hate meddling strangers...

You know what? Come to think of it I have never had a slurpee, but I'm thinking I should try one after reading this.

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