I am. It is over. You and I, we are no longer friends. We will not have long heartfelt chats at night. We will not share a quart of the leftover Edy's ice cream (from the BLOCK PARTY). We will no longer go through boxes of tissues. We will not stare longingly every single night at the little guy as his chest rises and falls and the little itty bit of drool makes its way . . . STOP! We will not be doing that any more (at least not EVERY night).
You and me. We are over.
There will be no more crying at lame commercials about babies and moms and dads and if he's the father or not (wait. that's a show I used to laugh at. now, tears as big as dump trucks fall from my eyes. pathetic.).
We are no longer stopping at the sight of every single solitary (or not) baby and asking the adult unit that is with child a litany of questions while cooing endlessly at the clueless babe with the crooked smile and chubby digits as they reach for my face and caress my cheek . . . STOP! We will not be doing that any more (at least not EVERY single time).
We will not be gorging on comfort foods. Yes, that means you cheesy bits of pasta goodness. And, ix nay on the ugar shay. Enough is enough. A Butterfinger followed by shots of M&Ms is absolutely ludicrous. Oh, and don't even get me started on the Swedish Fish appetizers.
Oh, and WE will no longer be reading those "heartfelt" "touching" "gut-wrenching" "life-changing" stories filling up the parenting magazines and the occasional Reader's Digest. The tear-stained pages are getting rather cumbersome to turn.
And finally, we will not longer be calling everyone DEAR or SWEETIE. What the heck is with that? Random boy at checkout, "Thanks sweetie." Cue cute mommy smile. The 40-something dude at the gas station, "Excuse me, dear." What? HOLD UP. What am I? An 80-year-old grandma with rolled stockings, cookies in the oven and a quilt waiting to be knitted? Heck no. (except for the cookies, but that's gotta stop!).
I'm sorry it had to end this way, Ms. Sappy Pants. But you and me, we're no good for each other. You've turned my heart to two-day old cinnamon and sugar flavored oatmeal, my mind into a neverending movie from the Hallmark channel, and my "back parts" into a scare tactic for a lingerie model.
I'm staking my claim on my old self. I'll invite you over once in awhile. And, you can even stay a whole week when J turns two.
Until then.
Hasta la vista, Sappy.
*************
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Monday, August 18, 2008
I'm SO Dumping YOU!
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36 comments:
Not the Swedish fish!
I clapping for you. Can you hear it?
(But you know, you can be sappy during PMS, too. Totally valid excuse)
I do the stopping of every single solitary baby - too! It's HARD not too!
You are so cute. Have a good Monday - Kellan
Oh the sappiness!! Especially during PMS!!!
Oh, that's hysterical! Mr. Sappy Pants is good for a few, but can't live with anyone :)
Stay sappy. Stay sappy.
(And thanks for pimping me.)
good luck with that!
let me know if that works because I haven't been able to kick my own sappy pants to the curb.....
Really. Dumping the sap cold. That's a bold move, darling. Clearly one I am not strong enough for. I'll be sappy enough for the two of us, I think.
Peace out, chicky!
Ms. Sappypants has taken up partial residence at my house. If you could make her leave, I would REALLY appreciate it. Thanks so much!
If she doesn't go soon I may have t kill her with Swedish fish.
Mmm. Butterfingers.
I get in sappy moods, but I do understand the need to shake it off!
Heh... Miss Sappy Pants is harder to get rid of than just an eviction letter. You just wait: She'll be pounding on your door in the wee hours, creeping through your windows...
InVINCible!!
oh, you'd like to bid her farewell, but trust me, she will keep rearing her head... often when you least expect it
Yeah-good luck booting her out. If you manage it, please share with us how it is done.
see ya Sappy!
now...uh, how do I get rid of the Pity-Party Princess?
I am ending my affair with Ben & Jerry... maybe you can write up that official notice for me? The hubby is coming home finally and he will be enough for me then! LOL
good for you.
i'm trying to break up with Ms. Bitchy pants, but there is no way in hell she is leaving me alone!!!
darn it!!
what am I to do... I'd have you have Ms. Sappy Pants talk to HER, but she is just way to aggressive and MEAN for Ms Sappy Pants. ugh.
hopefully things will get back to normal and Ms Bitchy will leave at least for a little while. :)
xoxoxox
This is bad. I call everybody hon or dear. Am I in trouble?
Sappy Pants...a great euphemism, which tells it like it is. Funny post--thanks!
good luck girl! funny post.
Oh but butterfingers followed by a shot of M&M's? Surely you can find another excuse besides sappiness!
You are too funny - I love your blog!
Ms. Sappy Pants - snort!!
Turning your back on Hallmark tearjerker movies of the week? You are strong, oh so strong ... ;)
You go girl!
hey, what the hell are swedish fish?
butterfingers i know all too well. as does my ass. my ass and butterfingers are VERY chubby, er, yummy. wait. CHUMMY. yeah, that's what i meant.
good luck with the dumpage. i hope that works out for you.
I like cinnamon flavored oatmeal...not two days old, but still....
Sappy is an OK state to be in at times. I'm there. I'm there a lot. My son turns 2 in a couple more months. I reserve the right to be sappy until a week, or two, after his birthday.
I totally need to break up with him, too. Like yesterday!
Breaking up is hard to do...you are a riot
2 day old cinnamon and sugar flavored oatmeal??? tee hee.
KEEP BELIEVING
Rock on sista! Let me know how it goes, I need to dump my bad habits also!!
Aw, sappy is good! Maybe without the sugar though.
Hope things are going well for you guys, take care,
Kristen
You just KNOW she'll be back right? Damn the PMS sap!
I have to stop myself every once in a while too.
But seriously, can't the comfort food stay???
I love you ...
you're my number 1
Can you come kick sappy out of my life now?? PLEASE??
I came across your blog today. It made me Lol.. It's ok to be sappy pants every once in a while.
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