Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Single and Loving It . . .

*said with a huge amount of sarcasm*

First off, I'm not single. Secondly, if I were single right now, I would most definitely NOT be loving it.

Why am I writing about this? Well, see, I have this friend . . .

Her name is Carrie. She's single. She's smart. She's independent. She's a total catch. And, she's single. Did I mention that?

Here's the problem. We live in a rather small town. The pickings are slim. And that is being generous. Now, Carrie does not NEED a man, but she wouldn't mind finding her soul mate (who wouldn't?). So, Carrie decided to try the Internet. Why not? It appears that it is the meeting method of choice in today's dating world.

She registered. Took the required tests (tests???). Filled out the personality profiles. Uploaded a cute picture of herself. And, PAID the fee.

She started perusing the profiles of eligible men. Here's a sampling of what she found:

* He's cute. But, he lived too far away (and didn't own a car--could she come pick him up?) Um. No. Gas prices and all.
* He writes well and is really funny. But, wrote that he has "no kids that I know of. Ha ha." Oh, that's a new one.
* He has a nice smile. But, the other two pictures were of him draped over a scantily clad woman while licking her . . . um. Well. licking her.
* He is an principal. But, he can't spell principle (as in his occupation) or any other word that someone with some level of education (you work at a school, buddy) or at the very least SPELL CHECK should be able to spell correctly.
* He has an OBVIOUS comb over. Can you at least TRY? And, we won't even discuss the teeth.
* He's over 250 lbs. (and it wasn't all muscle) but wants his woman to weight 115 or under? Um. Yeah.
* He wants "beer night with the buddies and cuddle nights with the cuties." Cuties? Plural. Um. No.

Wading through the muck of men, she did find a few guys that she felt might be a decent fit. She starts e-mailing, texting, chatting, and finally, the meeting. For the most part, the early dates go OK. Some go better than others. But, none have lasted beyond a few dates so far. And why? Well, we may have pinpointed some of the problems. Actually, Carrie has, but I've been excellent at saying, "OMG, you are so right!!!" So supportive, aren't I?

During the course of Carrie's dating adventures, she's encountered so many MISTAKES that guys make that basically sabotage the promise of anything beyond ONE date. Now, Carrie realizes that she herself has things she needs to work on, but after reviewing this list, you'll see that her mistakes are mere blips compared to the monstrous blunders by these dudes. NOTE: Many of these Carrie encountered, but some I offer up from my own and other friends' experiences.

Instead of listing said infractions, how about I offer up a list of suggestions that single guys might consider laminating and keeping in their wallet.

1. DUDE is a perfectly fine word. But do not use DUDE when trying to romance a girl. Unless, her first name is Dude, then by all means, go ahead.

2. Showers are good. Take them. Do not think you must be sweaty and smelly to prove that you do indeed work out. Oh, and please, brush your teeth. With toothpaste.

3. Do not, under any circumstances, text "miss u already" right after the first date. Creepy, clingy, and lame. Oh, and a sure fire way to cause a major skedaddle.

4. Do not administer a personality test upon first meeting someone. The same goes for taking blood or DNA samples. Leave that for the second date, at least.

5. Do not say something stupid, realize what you said was stupid, and then follow up with "I'm just kidding. " We all know that "I'm just kidding" is code for "Whoa, I said something really stupid, but I don't want to get busted for it." We're smarter than we look. Really. We are.

6. The second date is not the time to go all 25th date-ish. Not taking her out and instead hanging out at your pad watching sports, playing video games, and making midnight runs to Taco Bell (and making her pay for it) are not 2nd date worthy.

7. Do not make her pay under the guise of "forgetting" your wallet. Can you say TACKY. Seriously, we may be all women's lib and all, but we still appreciate a gentleman.

8. Do not meet her friends and then proceed to tell her how hot one of them is. Can you say PLAYER?

9. Do not drunk dial her. Ever. If you do. Lose her number. You'll never, ever hear from her again.

10. When she says she would like to keep your relationship friendly, she is letting you down easy. Do not, and I mean, do not respond with a sly smile and say "What about friends with benefits?" And, then do not add, "Just kidding." (see #5)

11. When she asks you how she looks . . . wait, you are at the beginning of the relationship, the early dates . . . she shouldn't have to ask. You tell her immediately how GREAT she looks. Don't ever say, "You look fine." That is strictly reserved for old married couples. *sniff--like me*

12. Try not to flirt with a girl via text while on a date with another girl. That's just bad.

And, if you are going to do the whole online dating thing, consider the following:

13. Use a recent picture (not one from your senior prom--that happened ten years ago).

14. Don't include a picture with you and another woman licking whipped cream off of your chest while you guzzle a shot (no, I didn't see one like this, but you know it is out there).

15. Do not include pictures of your pets or cars, unless you figure prominently in them or unless you are exceedingly unattractive. In that case, be sure to play close attention to #18.

16. Use spell check.

17. Do not use your profile to just list all the reasons why you are such a loser, why dating stinks, why you hate your ex, why you are taking anti-psychotic meds . . .

18. If you aren't posting a picture of yourself, make your profile stand out with decent grammar and spelling and a bit of unique wit and charm.

19. DO NOT LIE. She will figure out pretty quickly that when you said that you were in the "medical profession" that you are a bed pan salesman and NOT a doctor.

20. If you are dating someone or married, how about NOT posting a profile.

I'm certain you all could add countless other suggestions to this list. Please feel free to do so in the comment section! Carrie needs a laugh and you know there will always be room on that laminated card.

Oddly enough, since having J, I can't help but think of him when he enters into the world of dating. I hope he's a savvy dater. I hope he has fun. I hope he's respectful. And, I HOPE it will be a long, long, long time from now until that first date. Though, with those blue eyes, that grin, and infectious laugh, I may need to laminate his card right away.


Such a flirt . . .


disturbing . . . in a cute kinda way.

***CARRIE made a comment--check out the comment from "anonymous." ***

71 comments:

Mr Lady said...

I have been on all of 4 dates in my life. I have always regretted that...until now. WOW. That's just, um, creepy!

Sandy C. said...

ROFL! I love that pic ;)

Okay, so perhaps I dated a bit. And maybe even married some dude I met online....but seriously, I can attest that ALL of what you posted....is SO TRUE!!!! Scary, but true.

A guy in Hawaii I chatted with online with for 30 seconds SWORE I was "the one." *shudders*

Cecily R said...

That picture is awesome!!

I got married young (20) but I dated a lot. Boys (I lump them all together as boys) are weird. Even that young, I had my share of creepies.

And I know this is totally Lifetime movie of me, but maybe the principAL's profile was posted by his cute 7 and 10 year old daughters who want to see him happy. And maybe he has no idea they did it. I'm just saying. Its possible. :)

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

He had me at "how."

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

Oh Lord. Reading what Carrie is going through is frightening! So I'll be more grateful for my husband. Every day. And. Um. I'll try to stop saying "Dude" so much.

Kristen said...

Oh poor Carrie. I can't imagine being out there again!

I hope that quickly she will come across some guys with actual class.

Thanks for the reminder to kiss our hubby tonight. And to be so thankful we are not in that scene again.

Oh yes, and your son, Little J. Is just too adorable. Hopefully he won't break too many hearts! :) I'm sure his Mama will tell him what to do!

Jules said...

This was a fabulous post and I'm sure my boys are going to need it in say, 10 years from now. No, make that 20 years. In any case, what a great list.

And how about

When a girl says she is good at something, like playing the guitar for example, don't show her how much better at it you are.

When a girl says she likes animals, don't tell her tales of how you terrorized animals when you were a kid and then laugh and say "just Kidding". Total turn off.

Total.

Timah said...

Great post! Mind if I link?

Have Carrie read my posts about Crazy Professor or Mr. Kickball for a good laugh.

I've done the internet dating thing and have met some outright crazies. The few I thought weren't crazy were just really good at hiding it. This past weekend I met a guy (from the real world LOL) and he seems to be a little "touched" as my Grandma would say. I'm beginning to think it's me since I'm the common factor. *Sigh*

Be very happy that you don't have to deal with any of this.

Misty said...

First of all. Look at the BABY. I could eat him up. Yes I could.

I love this post.

How about: Do you try to brush against my boobs or pinch my ass on the first date. And. Show some respect. You don't get to pass go, collect a million dollars, and build on board walk ALL in one night... and ESPECIALLY not on the 1st.. or 2nd... or 3rd date.....

Stephanie said...

Such a cute picture!

My dating rule is this: Please do not bring your mom and younger brother with you on our first date. There will not be a second. Greg, you learned this lesson the hard way.

Lori said...

this post is too funny! guys are very strange

my answer for your friend is stop trying and Mr Right just may buy your phone number off a friend for $20 at a bar... hey it could happen... oh wait... it did happen that's how I met my husband

Pam said...

that was a funny post! But the pic of J at the end made the post! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Frozen Star said...

I once had a profile on one of these online dating thingies, and I was always amazed at the number of 50-60 year old men who thought they were in with a chance. I mean, I love older men, but I'm twenty two, and my profile says that I'm looking for someone between 20 and 35...

Sheez, now you've inspired me to post something about this. =D

Stephanie said...

Okay, I'm not sure whether to laugh at the outrageous-ness of it all or cry at the lack of "normal" men out there. Wow! I had no idea... Good Luck to Carrie finding her way through that muck!

Tracey said...

That picture. LOVING it.

Good list. I am so thankful that I never dated online, now! You would think that those criteria wouldn't be hard to just KNOW, you know? Men. Oy.

It's been, um, 12 years since I dated and back then, all I needed to do was bat my eyes at a cutie at a party. My standards weren't LOW, persay, but my time wasn't wasted if the guy was a bit shallow and we just went out for a date or two, so I don't have any suggestions to add!

secret agent mama said...

I never really dated. Like,I think maybe 3 dates ever. Then I met my husband!

MoziEsmé said...

This is great! Now how do we get it into the hands of all those eligible, great, but clueless men out there so single women can have more pickings?

And I'm already worrying about my baby in the dating game, too. The way she runs after boys and hugs and kisses them disturbs me on some odd level!

Kori said...

These are all perfect reasons why I have resigned myself to becoming to Crazy Cat Lady with no husband; I have no desire to date again. Ever.

Cathy C said...

That is very funny..Online dating can work but there is alot of weeding out to find that prince charming..

Some of the next generation of daters is my 15 yr old step son and he is very smooth - Hubby asked me what kind of wine we should take to a party and I said whatever rocks your world he said ok - Step son pipes up and says, "Dad" you are supposed to say, You rock my world... Scary that he already has the smooth lines down pat. He offered to give Dad lessons..

Cheers
Cathy

OHmommy said...

LOVE that pic. She is a flirt.

Lori said...

GREAT post!!! As a divorcee' in my 30's, I can relate that dating isn't fun at times. There are some real losers out there. Tell your friend to watch the movie "Must Love Dogs" with John Cusack. It'll make her laugh too.

Marmarbug said...

Oh Thank GOD! I am married. I could not imagine ahving to do that. Just tell her she'll kiss some frogs before she finds that prince!!!!

Kathryn said...

I know! It is really rough out there. My poor sister is a single mother of 3 girls. You should hear all of her nightmare dating stories. She just wants to give up. It sometimes seems hopeless to her. She has tried the internet dating thing too and it is pretty scary.
Love the picture! Cutie!!

Pregnantly Plump said...

J is so big! Wow.

As for the dating, those sound awful in a you-can't-make-this-stuff-up sort of way.

Jennifer said...

lol!! i LOVE the pic of J!! that is priceless!!

i agree 150% with your list!! I couldn't imagine being out there dating again, but it sure is fun to hear about Carrie and her dating life... thanks for sharing with us. :)

xoxoxo

Anonymous said...

Hi all, its Carrie here! Even though I have lived through most of those stories, it still makes me laugh! It is definately scary out there and there is MAJOR weeding going on...over 4 months with the site, over 2000 views of my profile, 30+winks recieved...I think I've only contacted maybe 10 men! (and been on 3 dates from this!!) But I think it was an experience that at least gives me some GREAT stories if anything. The bar scene, or should I say skit, here is not any better! My friend and I will go out(1-2x's a month)...she hands her number out like a business card...I prefer to sit and watch the show! (this friend has also put her toe into my dating pool...wadding pool...ok murky muddy pothole...and she doesn't even live in the same city...so...let's picture that one)

Thanks, timah...I will definately check out your blogs! And lori, I can imagine the guys in this area..."$20 for a number, dude that can buy me a lot wings at BW's or I'll just opt to drink more beer"! (I'm just guessing on that statement of course ;-), or am I)

Peace, love and happiness...I will continue to weed my way through the muddy waters of dating! (and continue to be PICKY...hey, I'm not about to settle) Keep all the good advice coming! Thanks!!

anglophilefootballfanatic.com said...

Oh, dear me. I'm so glad I married someone I went to grade school with..I never had to "do" the dating thing.

And, my son's going to be a priest, so I don't have to worry about him.

Tranny Head said...

I am SOO glad to be out of the dating pool. I have had more horror stories than anybody cares to think about and have dated more gay men (yes, gay) than most gay men that I know.

Thank Jehovah I'm taken!

Stacie said...

roflmao....

OK, I did some online dating a while back (BEFORE marriage) it was HILARIOUS...now, of course, after the fact.

Stacie said...

oh and LOVE THE J picture, too cute!

Colleen said...

bouncing off of Tranny's comment, if you're gay, and a girl is coming onto you, please let her know you're gay. save everyone the embarassment.

also, telling a girl you like to go "all the way" on a first date will rarely allow you to get past the soup course at dinner.

Mylhibug said...

Well, I can't really say anything here, other than great post and I am so glad that my wife said yes, because I imagine there are some equally disturbing stories from the other side of the fence.

Gonna have to keep J indoors all the time with THAT look. :)

Kellan said...

I would NOT want to be in the dating world - NOPE!!

Adorable picture - what a cutie pie!

Take care - Kellan

Confessions of A Mississippi Mom said...

Poor Carrie who we share the same name, I finally found prince charming in a college geek class b/c I live in a very very very small town (like one stop sign) anyway I took a class just for fun, and he sat across from me his first words spoken to me was "are you a stripper because you are so hot" WHAT??? I laughed and was appalled by his pick up line, but he keep on, and he was a really smart guy, so girl don't give up, just b/c they say crazy things don't mean they really ARE....


OOOO I love the cute flirt pic...

Becoming Me said...

That was sooo funny.

BusyDad said...

Oops. I've used "dude" before. But more like "oh dude! that rocks" not like "hi dude, you look great!" Anyway, it's all irrelevant now I guess.

But I had to tell you a funny story that the picture reminded me of. My buddy was hanging out with me and Fury at Dave and Busters a few years ago and we had just taught Fury to say "How you doin" to girls (can you tell this was one of our boys nights outs?). Anyway, the Bud Lite girls were there, so my buddy takes Fury to see them and one of them gives him a light up necklace thing. My buddy says to Fury "now what do you say to the nice lady" (expecting him to say "thank you"). Fury says "How you doin"

A Buns Life said...

I recently was out with 2 friends who are single and I was never so happy to be married if what was presented before me was the dating pool....pathetic. They wouldn't leave us/me alone. I finally had to announce really loud, despite my wedding ring being in plain site that I was married and they said they didn't care and continued on....OMG, leave us alone! I can buy my own damn drinks thank you very much!

tommie said...

Loving his shot...

I was 29 when I met Husband.....even ten years ago it was a scary dating world!

tommie said...

ps, do you think you will be able to head up this way in the next two weekends? We are leaving on the 23.

Eve Grey said...

OMG, sooo funny! You should sell this to a dating site.
I seriously HATE it if a guy calls me dude. Like wtf? i'm not a dude. I have one guy frined that does this & i want to punch him when he says it. Ugh.

krissy said...

Oh, I have a good one.....

My friend is single. She met a guy/jerk/weirdo. At first, he seemed okay. They talked on the phone often and made nice chit chat. Both mentioning they do not want more kids. After a few more "dates" my friend decided that he was stalker material. Especially after he went to get a vasectomy(sp? you know...clipped) so they couldn't have more kids.

This was after 3 dates. He still tries calling her all the time too.
Weird.

Elizabeth said...

SO hilarious!

this list is so great & it should be made a college class! Dating 101!

Tara R. said...

That was so weird. I haven't been on a first date in almost 25 years. I just couldn't do it today.

The beefcake photo and caption are priceless.

Nap Warden said...

Oh do I know this story...My pal Sissy is totally going through the same thing...not easy!

Cute pic:)

Erin said...

i so love ur lists...they make my day!!

noble pig said...

Oh gawd those are hilarious...but for hope...I do have a freind who has been happily married to a great catch and now has two kids. They met on the net...so you never know!

Immoral Matriarch said...

LMAO. That pic is priceless.

And "
* He writes well and is really funny. But, wrote that he has "no kids that I know of. Ha ha." Oh, that's a new one."
?? I fell out laughing.

Elaine A. said...

Love J's profile pic! HA!

I didn't do a lot of dating before I found "the one" and I certainly didn't do any of the internet kind - they didn't have that back in my day (said like an old man) so I don't have much to add to this most humorous list.

Much luck and prayers to Carrie!

Beth from the Funny Farm said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Seriously, I am sitting here inside my horse trailer CRACKING UP! This is hilarious.

Ummm.. I get the "You look fine." thing also. *sniff, sniff*

That photo of J is HILARIOUS too!

abby p said...

I am all over that last photo. WOW!

As for the dating. I don't want to talk about it. I've been in the pool way too long and I'm all wrinkly.

Mimi Lenox said...

I don't even remember how I sauntered into your site but I'm glad I did. Finding myself nodding profusely, laughing, and taking notes. Tell Carrie to write me!
I have a site called Dating Profile Of The Day where I highlight a real dating profile headline each day. I now have 166 reasons that I am allergic to online dating. These guys (and ladies too) say the most ridiculous things. My all-time favorite headline was: "I'm the last of a dyeing bread."

I seriously can't take it anymore!

Thanks for the laugh and the unfortunate dose of reality.
She's lucky to have you as a friend!

Kami said...

That was hilarious however, also? FRIGHTENING!

It's been 15 years since I was "on the market" so I am an old biddy who knows not what she speaks in this area.

Thanks for the laughs though. I mean, seriously, there are some winners out there, no?

Kimmylyn said...

GAWD do I remember dating and it as terrible.. I get chills when I think of how terrible it really was..

And that picture.. is just too adorable!

huddtoo said...

LOL

I love this post..too funny.

Hugs to Carrie..hope the muddy waters clear up some. I know of successes in the virtual dating world..so it can happen. And you never know, a local Mr. Right could come along and surprise you.
Good luck!

huddtoo said...

Oh...LOVE the pic!!! Too cute!

Blessings From Above said...

I saw your Single and Loving It title on McMommy's POW and thought you were suddenly single!

So glad everything is okay with you...sucks for your friends though.

Good luck Carrie. I hope you meet your prince charming SOON!

Mamasphere said...

I have a friend that just started internet dating. She already has a handful of such funny stories. I mean, really, what are guys thinking???? She wanted to quit, but I told her to keep going- I'm married with a kid and need her dating fix!

melissa said...

i'm printing out this list and saving it for my kids...
love that pic!!! he's so freaking cute!!
xo

lattemommy said...

Sometimes, when my husband is driving me crazy and I think I might kill him, I think about how hideous the dating scene is.... then I think it might be easier if I kill myself. ;)

Carol said...

I'm so glad I don't have to date ever again!

But her misfortune is certainly amusing, sorry Carrie!

Formercitygirl said...

Here by way of POW.
That was too funny! Love the picture.

just jamie said...

Holy 61 comments. Looks like you nailed it on this one. Eww on the "miss u already," and the tacky forgot the wallet trick. Eww on all of them, except the whipped cream, "just kidding."

Karen MEG said...

LOVE that photo, OMG!!!

I would not want to be single now. Good luck to Carrie, looks like she'll have to sort through a LOT of toads ...

verabear said...

This post is hilarious, but so true! :)

Angie @ KEEP BELIEVING said...

I have never been so glad to be married. Holy dating disasters.

KEEP BELIEVING

Lindsey said...

So how stinkin' cute is Baby J???

I really think he and HJ would make a great couple. Let's just arrange it, ok?

Mighty Morphin' Mama said...

Yikes! My mom and sis both just started the online dating thing and already have horror stories. Gosh, I hope I never have to do that again...
Good luck to Carrie, here's hoping that she doesn't have to wade through to much more junk before meeting some wonderful men. Remember each loser is one more down on the way to the good one.

Audrey said...

I'm laughing so hard. I'm single and some dates well there's just no chance for a 2nd date.

Cassie said...

LOL! That was hilarious--and I love the picture! He's a cutie :) And even though finding a date online can be hard I'm sure, I know a handful of people who have met their spouses online and are doing really well. Those are definitely good guidelines to follow though. Too bad guys that need these tips would probably not be reading this though!

Amy said...

So thankful to not be single!! I have a low tolerance for BS and I don't think I could handle dating at all!
CUTE CUTE pic of your sweet guy!

Kash said...

Thanks for visiting my blog. I love this picture of J! He'll love it too later in life.

My roomie was also single in NYC and dating online. Her stories made me shudder and cling on to my boyfriend even more!

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