*said with a huge amount of sarcasm*
First off, I'm not single. Secondly, if I were single right now, I would most definitely NOT be loving it.
Why am I writing about this? Well, see, I have this friend . . .
Her name is Carrie. She's single. She's smart. She's independent. She's a total catch. And, she's single. Did I mention that?
Here's the problem. We live in a rather small town. The pickings are slim. And that is being generous. Now, Carrie does not NEED a man, but she wouldn't mind finding her soul mate (who wouldn't?). So, Carrie decided to try the Internet. Why not? It appears that it is the meeting method of choice in today's dating world.
She registered. Took the required tests (tests???). Filled out the personality profiles. Uploaded a cute picture of herself. And, PAID the fee.
She started perusing the profiles of eligible men. Here's a sampling of what she found:
* He's cute. But, he lived too far away (and didn't own a car--could she come pick him up?) Um. No. Gas prices and all.
* He writes well and is really funny. But, wrote that he has "no kids that I know of. Ha ha." Oh, that's a new one.
* He has a nice smile. But, the other two pictures were of him draped over a scantily clad woman while licking her . . . um. Well. licking her.
* He is an principal. But, he can't spell principle (as in his occupation) or any other word that someone with some level of education (you work at a school, buddy) or at the very least SPELL CHECK should be able to spell correctly.
* He has an OBVIOUS comb over. Can you at least TRY? And, we won't even discuss the teeth.
* He's over 250 lbs. (and it wasn't all muscle) but wants his woman to weight 115 or under? Um. Yeah.
* He wants "beer night with the buddies and cuddle nights with the cuties." Cuties? Plural. Um. No.
Wading through the muck of men, she did find a few guys that she felt might be a decent fit. She starts e-mailing, texting, chatting, and finally, the meeting. For the most part, the early dates go OK. Some go better than others. But, none have lasted beyond a few dates so far. And why? Well, we may have pinpointed some of the problems. Actually, Carrie has, but I've been excellent at saying, "OMG, you are so right!!!" So supportive, aren't I?
During the course of Carrie's dating adventures, she's encountered so many MISTAKES that guys make that basically sabotage the promise of anything beyond ONE date. Now, Carrie realizes that she herself has things she needs to work on, but after reviewing this list, you'll see that her mistakes are mere blips compared to the monstrous blunders by these dudes. NOTE: Many of these Carrie encountered, but some I offer up from my own and other friends' experiences.
Instead of listing said infractions, how about I offer up a list of suggestions that single guys might consider laminating and keeping in their wallet.
1. DUDE is a perfectly fine word. But do not use DUDE when trying to romance a girl. Unless, her first name is Dude, then by all means, go ahead.
2. Showers are good. Take them. Do not think you must be sweaty and smelly to prove that you do indeed work out. Oh, and please, brush your teeth. With toothpaste.
3. Do not, under any circumstances, text "miss u already" right after the first date. Creepy, clingy, and lame. Oh, and a sure fire way to cause a major skedaddle.
4. Do not administer a personality test upon first meeting someone. The same goes for taking blood or DNA samples. Leave that for the second date, at least.
5. Do not say something stupid, realize what you said was stupid, and then follow up with "I'm just kidding. " We all know that "I'm just kidding" is code for "Whoa, I said something really stupid, but I don't want to get busted for it." We're smarter than we look. Really. We are.
6. The second date is not the time to go all 25th date-ish. Not taking her out and instead hanging out at your pad watching sports, playing video games, and making midnight runs to Taco Bell (and making her pay for it) are not 2nd date worthy.
7. Do not make her pay under the guise of "forgetting" your wallet. Can you say TACKY. Seriously, we may be all women's lib and all, but we still appreciate a gentleman.
8. Do not meet her friends and then proceed to tell her how hot one of them is. Can you say PLAYER?
9. Do not drunk dial her. Ever. If you do. Lose her number. You'll never, ever hear from her again.
10. When she says she would like to keep your relationship friendly, she is letting you down easy. Do not, and I mean, do not respond with a sly smile and say "What about friends with benefits?" And, then do not add, "Just kidding." (see #5)
11. When she asks you how she looks . . . wait, you are at the beginning of the relationship, the early dates . . . she shouldn't have to ask. You tell her immediately how GREAT she looks. Don't ever say, "You look fine." That is strictly reserved for old married couples. *sniff--like me*
12. Try not to flirt with a girl via text while on a date with another girl. That's just bad.
And, if you are going to do the whole online dating thing, consider the following:
13. Use a recent picture (not one from your senior prom--that happened ten years ago).
14. Don't include a picture with you and another woman licking whipped cream off of your chest while you guzzle a shot (no, I didn't see one like this, but you know it is out there).
15. Do not include pictures of your pets or cars, unless you figure prominently in them or unless you are exceedingly unattractive. In that case, be sure to play close attention to #18.
16. Use spell check.
17. Do not use your profile to just list all the reasons why you are such a loser, why dating stinks, why you hate your ex, why you are taking anti-psychotic meds . . .
18. If you aren't posting a picture of yourself, make your profile stand out with decent grammar and spelling and a bit of unique wit and charm.
19. DO NOT LIE. She will figure out pretty quickly that when you said that you were in the "medical profession" that you are a bed pan salesman and NOT a doctor.
20. If you are dating someone or married, how about NOT posting a profile.
I'm certain you all could add countless other suggestions to this list. Please feel free to do so in the comment section! Carrie needs a laugh and you know there will always be room on that laminated card.
Oddly enough, since having J, I can't help but think of him when he enters into the world of dating. I hope he's a savvy dater. I hope he has fun. I hope he's respectful. And, I HOPE it will be a long, long, long time from now until that first date. Though, with those blue eyes, that grin, and infectious laugh, I may need to laminate his card right away.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
*said with a huge amount of sarcasm*